As my head was held submerged underwater, I began to think of how I had gotten to this point in my life. I am young, I think, only 20. So why do I feel so exhausted all the time? Aubrey’s big ugly hands holds my head firmly in place. The water around me ripples and splashes as I fight back. Damn, I’m so stupid and indecisive. I was the one who asked him to do this the least I could do is make it easier for him and go quietly, but I’m so fucking scared. My life is awful, but I still don’t want to die?
I know I shouldn’t ask so much of him, but that’s his fault for falling in love with me. To be honest, when I asked him out today I wanted to tell him that I love him too; that I wanted to start things over. But when he finally showed up in his stupid jacket, that I know he hasn’t washed yet, and untrim eyebrows, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I’m just a burden and he clearly needs someone to take care of him. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy in life. The pressure around my eyes is getting so strong I bet they look like popcorn. Is he crying? I bet he’s crying. He’s always crying. How annoying.
Now I’m getting angry. If he actually loved me he would, I don’t know, stop trying to kill me? You can’t trust men to do anything right honestly. Can’t he see I’m screaming? Can’t he see how much my nose is bleeding? What about our promise at the park that day? Like when we said we wouldn’t hurt each other and would always make each other happy. I bought you four bean burritos with extra mild sauces after that. How dare you? Can you even fathom how romantic that is? Every time I ask you to do something you say ‘maybe later’ and now you are so intent on doing what I say? Aubrey, get your fucking ugly dumb pale scrawny hairy veiny hands off of my head!
Ok, I need to calm down. It ain’t his fault. Aubrey had it bad with his alcoholic mom and junkie dad. They were poor and all had to share like one TV dinner. I’d turned out a serial killer too if that was my backstory. My parents just ignored me. Except that one time my mom tried to stab me, but I probably deserved it. No actually, dad found me more attractive ‘cause you let yourself go. That’s your fault! Ok, I need to calm down. God, my lungs hurt so much I feel like I’m on fire. Nice, I’m officially drowning now.
I’m drowning in this dirty canal that I’ve thrown empty soda cans into. I’ve actually vomited into this canal once when Aubrey stole his mom’s vodka that one time. How long ago was that? Did we have sex that day? Was it fun for you? We could have sex right now if you want. Any position. I promise. If you’d just stop. No, please this is mortifying. I should have picked somewhere else to be killed. Aubrey, please stop crying. Stop shaking so much, you’re pulling my hair out. Stop being so obstinate. Stop being such a pussy. You’re pissing me off!
Oh, ok. This is the next part, huh? Ok, that’s good. I’m remembering stuff. Yeah, I really wasn’t good at school, huh? No Aubrey, I didn’t mean to fart in front of you please stop telling your friends about it. Ugh, mom please I swear I was just scratching myself I wasn’t masturbating. Geez, okay why only the bad memories? This is my whole life? Maybe it’s good that it’s ending, what a waste. No, but even so, I really don’t want to die right now.
I’m trying so hard to get my head out of this canal but Aubrey is holding me down so tight. What’s wrong Aubrey, you’re usually gentle with me. Do you feel sorry for me? No, maybe you’re just fed up of hearing me complain. Well, fuck you. I know I asked you to do this but I really hate you for doing this. What kind of boyfriend are you? Okay I know I’m not the best girlfriend but how can you do this to me? I can’t believe I actually love you. You’re short, skinny and a crybaby. Your dick is too small and your teeth are crooked. Aubrey let go of me. I swear to God, I’ll kill you!
This pressure is way too much. I can’t see anything anymore.
I’m gonna faint…
I’m gonna die…
Shit, I don’t wanna die…
There’s still stuff I want to do. I’m still on my period. At least let me die after my period is over. God, I need to change my pad. Aubrey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a pain. I should have been a better friend. I don’t even know you that well. Please Aubrey, don’t kill me. Maybe I’m worth something. I’ll steal my parents’ car and we can just drive far away. I won’t complain anymore. Please Aubrey, stop. I really can’t go on any longer. I’m going to die. Are you really going to let me die here?
Fine, then do it. You see? I’m not fighting back anymore. Stupid asshole. I washed my hair for you today. I hope you get arrested and die in prison. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. Aubrey, I don’t want to die –
What’s happening now? I can’t see. It’s so loud. Am I dead? Am I breathing? Ow, it hurts so much to breathe. Oh, is this grass? It’s kinda itchy. Why is it so cold? Or wait, getting warm now. Oh no, am I vomiting? Someone please turn me over, it’s getting all over me. God, it smells so bad. Why did I eat corn today? Stop pushing into my chest; please turn me over. I’m already breathing stop blowing vomit and air back into my throat. Damn it, now I’m peeing myself.
“I-I’m sorry Joy, I can’t do it! I c-can’t kill you! I’m just…I…”
Oh, it’s you. Man of the decade. You’re always crying. Ew, is that snot or tears falling on me? Aubrey, just shut the hell up. I forgive you, it was all my fault anyways. So, can you just like pick me up or something? Why are men like that? Always so weak. Ah, would you look at that; now you’re hugging me. Wow you’re really crying, huh? I guess I should tell him how much I love him and everything will be okay. But now that I’m finally looking into his big droopy eyes, all I can do is laugh and pee some more. Ugh, this is second time I’ve vomited here. This place is bad luck.
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